As a child, every young girl aspires to eventually be the most attractive girl in the room the one who has “all her sh*t together”, who doesn’t have to try hard to turn heads or attract respect and admiration. But as you get older, you start to realize that attractiveness can close just as many doors as it opens.

This realization has come up for me many times throughout my adult life, but it surfaced again recently both at work and while I was vending at an event for my beauty business and it really got me thinking.

At the event, it wasn’t until I changed into clothing that didn’t highlight my figure or physical attractiveness (a sweatsuit) that I actually started making sales.

And suddenly you realize that sometimes you receive punishment before you ever receive praise.

You realize your flaws are magnified while the things you do well are held under a microscope.

You realize you might have to lose friends because even though they love you, there’s something about the fact that you have “gorgeous hair” (their words, not yours) that makes them want to touch it and play in it but also cringe at it and secretly resent it (and you).

You realize that if you’re going to survive, you may have to learn how to gatekeep your light in certain rooms where, otherwise, you’d be quite literally ripped to shreds.

And eventually you realize… it hurts. Being “attractive”....hurts sometimes. AND MAYBE IT’S TIME WE STOP PRETENDING THAT IT DOESN’T.

Studies show that physical attractiveness can sometimes lead to social penalties, bias, or negative outcomes in certain contexts:

• that attractive women can be evaluated more negatively when applying for traditionally male-typed jobs, a phenomenon called the “beauty is beastly” effect, where attractiveness led to lower hiring evaluations for roles like construction supervisor or engineer (Heilman & Saruwatari, 1979; Heilman & Stopeck, 1985).

• that physical attractiveness can lead to assumptions that women are less competent or less suitable for leadership or technical roles, especially in professional environments where stereotypes conflict with expectations of authority (Johnson, Podratz, Dipboye, & Gibbons, 2010).

• that individuals perceived as more physically attractive, particularly women, report higher levels of sexual harassment and objectification in workplaces and social environments (Berdahl, 2007; Fitzgerald et al., 1997).

• that highly attractive individuals may experience social exclusion or rivalry from same-sex peers due to perceived competition, particularly in contexts involving status or romantic competition (Krems, Kenrick, & Neuberg, 2016).

• that very attractive people can sometimes be judged as less trustworthy or less competent in professional contexts where observers associate attractiveness with superficiality rather than ability (Agthe, Spörrle, & Maner, 2011).

So what do you do about it? There’s got to be something other than dimming your light that will help you navigate through life, right? Personally, I think you just have to pay attention and understand that people will likely see your beauty as a threat throughout life.

Instead of shrinking yourself to make others comfortable, the more sustainable response is awareness and intention. Recognize the dynamics at play, develop discernment about the environments and relationships you choose, and lead with substance so your character and competence are unmistakable (careful now).

Beauty may shape first impressions, but consistency, integrity, and who you are what ultimately defines how people experience you over time. When you understand that some reactions are projections rather than reflections of who you are it becomes easier to move through the world without dimming your light while still protecting your energy and choosing spaces where you are respected….not resented.

Last but not least….don’t let how others choose to treat you cause you to become bitter. You got this!